FHM Bloke Test
December 1998

On page 62 the December issue of FHM magazine, Gene Simmons takes part in the 'Bloke Test' alongside none other than.... Lionel Blair!!! Funnily enough Lionel comes out tops with 5/10 compared to Gene's 4/10! Here's all of Gene's answers (article is copyright of FHM Magazine).

If you winged a pheasant while out in your car, would you go back to finish it off?
If it was in pain, then yes I would. It's enough that we eat flesh, so if I hurt a bird I would certainly put it out of its misery. Have I ever put an animal out of its misery? Yes, last night. Her name was Goldie... (1)

Have you ever done a runner from a restaurant?
Never. Absolutely not. I just won't do it. I believe in the work hard, play hard ethic, and I have too much self-respect to take a penny from anyone. Unless, of course they're paying customers. (0)

Towel dry or hair-dryer?
I use a blower. I'm full of hot air. I never towel dry because I have stringy, curly hair. I want to straighten it out. (0)

Have you ever nicked anything from a hotel?
No. Not towels, not pencils, nothing. In fact, I've often left things - magazines, clothing, all kinds of stuff. Fans always give us gifts, and it's impossible to take everything with us. Often we just leave them behind. (0)

Have you ever made a small child cry?
Yes, a day or so ago. Someone brought their child out and said "Look, there's big bad Gene Simmons." So I stuck my tongue out and made this four-year-old bawl. But I would never raise my hand to a child. (1)

If you dropped a raw steak while cooking for friends, would you serve it anyway?
Absolutely not. But I wouldn't be cooking, anyway; it means you have to do the dishes, and that doesn't appeal to me at all. I'd rather sit and be served. (0)

Could you change an air-filter on a car?
No way. Don't have a clue. We have a Kiss car which is coming out soon for $75,000, but as far as how it works, I don't have any idea. I don't want to know. (0)

Did you ever have a crush on a friend's mother?
Yes, often. And yes sir, I did something about it - repeatedly. Unfulfilled dreams are very sad. If you don't act on them, you'll forever be sorry. (1)

Did you ever lose your trunks in a swimming pool?
No. Not accidentally anyway. (0)

Have you ever come a cropper while showing off at the gym?
Yes. I was climbing the ropes when I was a kid and I was very anxious to get to the top. Some "exhaust" came out of my ass - very loud, I might add. At least it wasn't one of those little bird-tweets. (1)

Final score: A humble four for Gene, whose new album with Kiss, Psycho Circus, has recently been released on Mercury Records.

Back To Contents

Drop me (Paul Finn) an E-mail.